What is your current state of mind?

My mind is racing around like a little kid in a candy store trying to grab  as much candy as he can. Racing as fast as a race car on its last lap to the  finish line. A never ending cycle of dark thoughts, I am slowly going mad.  To ease this pain I would like to share some of my deepest sorrows that  crowd the darkest places of my soul.
To Opehlia, there is not a day that goes by where I do not think about you. I am going mad and I do not want to live anymore, but rotting in hell is not what I dream of. Suicide is a sin that I am not willing to commit, I suffer in this life and I do not wish to suffer in the afterlife as well. You did me wrong, for Kate-as-Ophelia-in-Hamlet-kate-winslet-12007271-1023-465which I hold true anger towards you for. You let my atrocious stepfather reel you into his traps and treat you like his puppet. All those repulsive things I had shouted at your character and moral being were all out of the anger that was built up inside of me. I was just in shock at how easily you could let two men take control of you and you let them. I wanted to send you far to keep you away from all the horrible things the world possess. You were and still are the love of my life. Sometimes I lay here and imagine you in field full of your favorite flowers, because we both know how they both symbolized you. You left the world through the water in which your flowers grow in, O what a beautiful way to go.

queen-gertrude-2 To my mother, I am still stunned at the fact that 6 months was all it took for  you to forget about the love my father had showered you with and run into  my awful uncle’s arms. You are so weak for marrying my uncle while you  claimed to love my father so dearly. Just in 6 months you made me lose all  respect I had for you. Although I did obey you, I would like to inform you that  it was my father’s ghost and his word that made me not disobey you and put  your honor at stake. You fell into my uncles appalling traps, you thought he  was an honorable man while only in the end he did not even try hard enough  to stop you from drinking the poisoned water just so his plans would not get  exposed. However, I will not forget your concern for me and how you cared  for me. You fell into my uncle’s trap, but you disobeyed his order to not drink  just to celebrate the hits I made on Laertes. Although, it showed me you cared  for me it ultimately lead to your death. I am an orphan now and without you there is a hole in my heart. I may be angry with you but you will always be my mother whom I deeply love.

To my father, you were a great soul and a hero. You were honored and respected by all and I am truly happy I was able to get the revenge you deserved. I miss you dearly and I do wish to once again be with you in the afterlife.

The Abandoning

Discuss the idea(s) developed by the text creator(s) about the role self-preservation plays when individuals respond to competing demands.

 Survival is a crucial role when an individual is forced to fight against competing demands. It47 can cause one to act on beliefs that simply aren’t their own. When one is forced into an unknown situation, they naturally choose what is best for them before others around them. They can become selfish and unaware of other people’s feelings. Elie demonstrates the idea of the role self- preservation plays through the actions of other’s on those who are around them, and Elie’s internal conflict with himself wanting to give up and abandon his father. Competing demands can change the person to become someone who they begged God not to be. Elie is forced into horrible circumstances which make him change his ideals from how they are from the beginning to the end. In the novel Night, by Elie Weisel, the role self-preservation plays during competing demands is one where an individual chooses himself over the community built around them and ultimately changing a person’s ideals. This can be supported by first the Rabbi’s son leaving him behind in the death march, secondly the son killing his father over a piece of bread due to the competing demand of hunger, and ultimately making Elie turn into the man he asked god not to be making him apathetic towards everyone around him and leaving his father alone to die.

download-1-161q4ynIn times of traumatizing events an individual goes into a mode of survival which can make one chose themselves other another. In Night, Elie shows how during the death march the Rabbi’s son leaves his father behind because his father would minimize his chances to survive as he was weaker than him. This is shown through the quote “…his son had seen him losing ground, sliding back to the rear of the column. He had seen him. And he continues to run in the front, letting the distance between them become greater.”(Page 91). This is one example of how an individual choses himself over another because of the horrors the holocaust brings to them. In this case the competing demand was the setting, which was the death march and in order to survive one must continuously march in a synchronized patterns with their fellows Jews. The Rabbi’s son in this scenario decides to choose to leave his father due to the role self-preservation plays which in this case would be the natural instinct of survival. For the Rabbi himself finding his son is more important than his own well-being but the Rabbi’s son thought very differently. He had enough determination and courage to leave his father for his own betterment, which was the role self-preservation had played.  “For three years, they has stayed close to one another. Side by side, they had endured the suffering, the blows; they had waiting for their ration of bread and they had prayed. Three years, from camp to camp, from selection to selection. And now – when the end seemed near- fate separated them.” (Page 91). The irony behind this quote is that fate did not separate them, in fact the Rabbi’s son made the decision of letting his father go on alone. This shows how from the beginning of the novel to the end the Rabbi’s son ideals changed from being very close to his father, always sticking to his side, and being there for him as a support system to becoming apathetic, selfish and letting his own survival be more important than the bond they shared.  For the son, when the blows of the competing demands take a toll he is forced into a mode of survival making him chose his life over his fathers and leaving him behind. Elie seems to look at this in an ashamed perspective which can be shown through the quote “Oh God, Master of the Universe, give me the strength never to do what Rabbi Eliahu’s son has done.” (Page 91).  This quote shows how even though Elie has lost his faith in god and was no religious anymore, his father meant so much to him he asked God not to betray his own father. Elie went to the extremes to ask God for strength even though internally all love for God within him was diminished. This strength he asked God for slowly starts to deteriorate towards the end of the novel making Elie capable of leaving his father behind. Elie is aware of the action of the Rabbi’s son and is awed by the fact that someone could do this to their own blood. Although he is aware of this, he decides not to open his mouth about what he knows but instead engulfing it within him.

In times of competing demands one’s ideals can change due to the instinct for survival. In order to live an individual can leave the ones closest to them behind, which is something that is explored in Night through the actions of the son killing his father over food. Trying to feed themselves was the main thing that was on the Jewish people’s mind, and due to that one can be blinded by the lust for food and kill their own. “Meir, my little Meir! Don’t you recognize me…You’re killing your father… I have bread… for you too… for you too…” (Page 101). This quote describes the scene where the son lost all humane qualities, due to the competing demands of hunger and went after his own father’s life to save his own.  In horrible conditions such as the Holocaust, an individual puts their needs above all others, which in this case lead to the death of the son’s father. The role self-preservation plays in this situation is one of which where the son knew that he needed to feed himself and saw his father as an obstacle so he killed him.   Elie is aware of this but does not do anything about it. It shows him how easily a person can leave their loved ones behind. This was the second act that showed him how a son can abandon his father due to his own survival being more important. Although he is surprised at this act, it affects him a great deal watching it first-hand which slowly helped him leave his own father.

Wanting to survive and the fear of being left behind, Elie starts to become the man he images-10da2hqasked God not to make him. Watching such horrors and tragedies take place caused Elie’s ideals and values to change making him apathetic and isolated from everyone. He started off in the beginning of the novel not wanting to be separated from his father, even when getting put into a Kommando Elie would ask to be with his father but as the endearment of competing demands played against him and watching the Rabbi’s son and the other son leave their fathers behind, Elie became just like them like a cause, cause, effect. He watched them abandon their fathers and was aware of all their horrible doings but begged God to give him strength not to do the same, which in the failed as he became one of them. Elie was forced into the mode of self-preservation which played a role in the death of his father and a lifetime filled with regret. In the novel, Elie starts to distance himself from his father as he gets weaker and weaker and is not able to keep up with Elie. This was first seen through Elie abandoning his sick father out in the snow and then not wanting to find him the next day. “I went to look for him. Yet at the same time a thought crept into my mind: If only I didn’t find him! If only I were relieved of this responsibility, I could use all my strength to fight for my own survival, to take care only of myself…” (Page 106) This quote show the beginning of the internal conflict Elie will have to face with caring for his father or caring for himself. It exemplifies the tragic and horrific events that must have had to occur in order for Elie to believe that leaving his father behind would be the best thing to do. Elie’s resentment towards his father continues to grow throughout the novel, for instance when his father was telling Elie not to sleep in the snow as he could die but Elie never stopped him from sleeping himself which showed how much he had already drifted from his father.  “I did not weep, and it pained me that I could not weep. But I was out of tears. And deep inside me, if I could have searched the recesses of my feeble conscience, I might have found something: Free at last!…” (Page 112). Finally Elie has won the internal conflict within himself which his resulted in his father passing away. The role self-preservation plays during this conflict is one where Elie was forced to fend for himself and abandon his father.  The conditions made him grow father and father apart from his father making him realize that he was only going to slow him down and the distance himself was the best way to go. This supports the idea of how competing demands can make one act on beliefs that aren’t their own but to respond to them in a manner that may be rueful in the end.

Throughout the novel Elie develops the idea of how an individual chooses himself over others around them and changes in one’s ideal because of the competing demands, the horrors and hunger the holocaust brings which they are forced to face. Self- preservation becomes of the highest of values during the times of the Holocaust because of all the horrific things they endured and saw. The motif of, choosing oneself over a community or another being, was first seen through the Rabbi’s son leaving his father behind due to the fact that he wanted to survive and his father would only lower that chance which made Elie pray to God that he give him strength to never do that to his father, next with the son killing his father over a piece of bread, which once again made Elie pray he never do that to his own father, and lastly all these horrors made Elie into the man he prayed he wouldn’t turn out to be by being able to leave his father behind to die and not shedding a tear when he passed. All these situations exemplify the role self-preservation can play during competing damned because the holocaust lead one to change their values and their natural instinct to survive made them choose themselves over the ones dearest to them.

The Everyday Struggle

photo-1-1-23yj8zv-300x234  wom·an- The female human being 

The dictionary states this as the definition of a women- a  human being, nothing more, nothing less but is that in our  society, it is considered that a woman is of the weaker  gender? Why is it that women all over the world are  victimized for assault and nothing is ever said about it?

I recently came across these pictures on twitter and my  whole body was absolutely consumed with disgust and hate.  This was not because of how they looked so much photo-2-1-1ojnjm2-300x232more  different than me, but because of the story just one simple  sentence told me behind it. I was left in awe just imaging  how a person can have the mindset and the capability to ruin a womens’ life and not feel any remorse. In these 3rd world countries all a girl has is her dignity which she latches onto like an innocent baby latches onto her mom in a packed market, and for a man just to deprive her of her dignity is something that just breaks my heart. Just reading that one caption underneath all four pictures was enough to make me feel so empathetic for what these women has endured in their life because no one should have to go through what they have. I was analyzing these pictures, for what seemed like eternity, to be able to put myself in their shoes, and to be able to feel what they felt.

photo-3-rucwfz-300x242As time elapsed these pictures made me realize that no matter how long I looked I would never be able to even feel the slightest pain that these ladies went through. I thought about how privileged and lucky I am to be able to live in such safe and secure country like Canada, where hearing things like this happen is often rare. Although, I have never been put through such immoral and horrid experiences in my life, these pictures still managed to hit home because it wasn’t a matter of where I live, or how safe my country is, it was a matter of humanity and dignity. I was completely distraught just by thinking about how an individual could even think about pouring acid onto another’s face. These ladies experiences really made me think about how it could have been anyone considering there age was no different than mine. Either they were my age, younger or just a few years older which is was really made me resonate with them. It shouldn’t matter if you are a girl, or if there is family quarrels going on. No one deserves to get treated like they are nothing.

I really do hope the word about such corrupt doings in these countries get around to more powerful authorities, so this can be put to an end. No one should have to suffer photo-4-24346k3-189x300and be ridiculed for the rest of their life just because someone decided not to think twice before acting.

This I Believe: The Power Of Addiction

 

addiction

“I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He’s taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of his death from being a total surprise.” – Chuck PalahniukChoke.


I believe that individuals hold the power to guide themselves into the paths they travel and to choose their own fate. I believe in addiction.  I believe that everyone out there is addicted to something, whether it be good or bad. The word addiction in today’s modern society comes across as a negative term, but I believe that addiction can be a trait that can help you to strive to be a better individual. Growing up I have had everyone around me being addicted to something: alcohol, pain, or addiction to numbing out the pain but on the other hand the addiction to love, to betterment of an individuals, addiction to reaching your goals was something I also experienced all around me.

3459---Alcohol addiction I believe that your addiction is the handler of your fate. You give in to  something and let it take over. Close your eyes and your addiction captivates your every thoughts. It makes you complete, but without it you  are merely just a body roaming the surface of the earth- soulless. In my  family, alcohol was drank like it was water but it was soon after the loss of  my innocence I came to realize it was a pain suppressor, a way to escape  the reality of life. I grew up watching my dad drinking every day and every  night, although when sober he was the best person to be around, alcohol  made him completely different. I never understood why my dad needed to drink, having everything a person could ask for; money, a family, a house, cars, a very well-paying job was never a shortage in my family. To this day, I never understood why he let alcohol tear a family apart. I believe we all are addicted to something, we all have something out there that completes us and in my family it happens to be alcohol. I have seen how addiction can tear a family apart as it gets stronger and stronger, taking over your minds slowly and then all at once.

college-sleep On the contrary, I believe having an addiction can also lead the betterment of yourself and make you fall into a strict routine. Addiction to having stuff done, addiction to being on time, and an addictionto achieving your goals all fall into place here. I am a strong believer of if you put your mind to it, you can do it. In my life, I am addicted to getting good grades in order to pursue my dreams of getting into post- secondary. I believe that myaddiction has helped me in falling into a routine of when to study for what, and how to prepare myself. I know what I have to do and how to achieve it and I believe that having that goal set and being addicted to achieving it has helped me a lot. Addictions are not only things that bring down an individual and tear them apart, I believe it is a trait that can also play a role in refining yourself.

We all are addicted to something.

That is what I believe.

What is your addiction?

 

Fangirling

Part E
Studying about other writers has made me want to read more and explore the different genres. This has made me able to write in different stylistic ways, such as being able to write creatively through poems and emulation pieces but also to be critical and to be able to write in full details.
The author that we had chosen for our writer’s seminar but never got to present was, Jeanette Walls. I have been in love with her since grade 10 when I read her first memoir, The Glass Castle. The reason why I chose Jeannette was because I really liked how she got down to every little detail and instead of reading the book she made you think that you were there experiencing  everything she did with her. Her usual writing style is writing memoirs, with her new novel being fiction with a couple of news articles. As a writer, Jeannette Walls taught me to always write from the heart and about something that you really feel like telling everyone else and not care about what others have to say about it. She taught me to be true to yourself, and to be true to others through her own personal experience of her being ashamed of her mom because she was homeless and ashamed if it but then telling everyone the truth on the Oprah Show.
A writer’s seminar that I felt most inspired by was Namitha’s on Warsan Shire. The way that she presented the author to us really got me hooked. I personally think the main reason why I tended to like this author more than the any of we learned about was because of her style of writing and how she turned the truth about her life and what she has experienced in life into poems. She inspired me to be able to take something that I have experienced or seen in my life and put it onto paper and be able to present it. Instead of fighting fire with fire, I take my anger out on the paper.  

An Inside Scoop: Blog Post Edition

Part D

Contagious
 Dark, Deep. Devastating. It will capture your mind, soul and thoughts to ruin you. Depression hits hard.
The purpose of this writing piece for me was to be able to maintain a piece that did not tell the audience what I was talking about until the very end. I wanted to be able to describe it in much detail as I possibly could and then hit them with it right at the end. The significance of my title is that depression can be triggered from other things and you can go into it by staying with people that are at an all-time low. Just like how one bad apple can ruin them all. The creation of my piece came from the anxiety and stress that diplomas are giving me and how if I don’t do well on them I will be so heartbroken and depressed. The style decisions that I decided to make with my piece was it to be a very descriptive and explain how it exactly feels from the starting to the end. “It starts in your gut…. You are drowning, suffocating, chocking in your own bottled up emotions and the only way out is to end it forever, in a casket.” This shows how I started it with being in your gut and how ultimately you can end it by giving up your life.

Soulful
A poem depicting what I had to teach myself because I wasn’t taught about it at school.
The titles significance for me, personally, is that I wrote about what I thought to be true and how I felt, how it came from my soul. This poem is filled with my soul therefore soulful I thought was a good tittle. My purpose and audience for this poem was to be able to tell everyone how I felt about the school system not teaching us stuff that we actually need to know in our everyday life and all the lessons I need to know before leaving high school. My intended audience for this poem was high school students or people that have been through high school because I felt as if they could relate to it the most, knowing they are going through it right now or are going through it. My influence for this writing piece was that since I am in grade 12 now I have been in high school for 3 years and I know what I like, what I didn’t like and everything I need to know in order to be ready for the life outside of high school. The style decisions I made with this piece was to be able to repeat myself and give examples of how I wasn’t taught things at school. For repetition I used “2×2” and the reference to Shakespeare throughout the poem. I already repeated the word taught in every stanza.

Home Sweet Home
An emulated piece talking about my love and passion for Harry Potter and his home at Hogwarts.
The tittle I decided to choose was because I am a crazy Harry Potter fan right from the first book, to the very last move and consider Hogwarts my actual home. I found out that in Poland, you can attend Hogwarts for three days and all the experience of being a witch.. and no lie I have actually tried to convince my mom to let me go in April but it was a big, fat no. My purpose and audience for this emulated piece was no one in particular I just decided to write about something that I love more than anything and I am a very big fan of. The influences of my piece were J.K Rowling for shaping my childhood with a wand and a few spells and my uttermost love and devotion for the Harry Potter series. The style decision I made was to emulate this poem from a poem originally by Tolkien and make it my own. I talked about the joy and happiness you receive at Hogwarts but still maintain the structure and rhyming from the original poem.

Me, Myself & I

Part A: You, the Writer.

As a writer my writing identify is a mirror image of my personality in which that in writing is scattered all over the place and takes any road that I want it too. My development as a writer has been quite significant from the beginning of the semester until now. As a writer, I believe that I went from just writing about the topic, just stating everything and constantly repeating myself over and over again. Throughout the course of the semester I learned how to write different genres of writing pieces and how to properly be able to write a writing piece without saying the same thing. I went from just writing about what I was told to write about to leaving my comfort zone and being able to write about random topics. The voice that is portrayed through my writing is usually more personal and has a darker tone. I tend to make my posts on the blog either every sentimental and relatable to our generation today or make it into a metaphor which I love to do. Keeping my audience wondering what I am talking about, steadily building it up and throwing at them in the end.  My advice to future writers would be that write your heart out, read tons and tons of books you will be able to tell how much it helps and reflects in your writing once you start reading every day. Also, write about what inspires you and you will come to realize how much you enjoy writing once it’s on something you can go on and on about.

Part B:You, the Blogger

My development as a blogger went from barely posting unless it was one of my mandatory blogs posts to posting whenever I came across something I liked or just one of my pieces that started from nothing and developed into a blog post. It went from simple titles, not enough words in a blog posts and just the same old boring posts, to getting out of my comfort zone and blogging about stuff that inspired me which made me actually start enjoying it. I love, love, love my blog. The layout, the blog posts and how I decided to nominate a person every month for publishing are all the little perks you get to enjoy when you enter my URL. It really screams out “Ibadat” and it’s not just because of the pink at every corner.  After this course, I was planning on continuing to post on my blog every time I wrote a piece so I would have it published and have a collection of all my pieces kept somewhere safe. Continuing on with this blog will help me keep writing creative pieces and also keep writing instead of pulling out that pen and paper when I have too. This blog is like my own personal diary where I am able to express myself in different stylistic ways. Lastly, I would continue to follow the English 30-1 blogs to keep up to date with what my peers are writing but I would also try to follow the creative writing class blogs just to see if anyone was also writing as I will try too. There are many phenomenal writers in this class, I love reading Dara and Jaiveen’s blog posts because even though they think they’re not good writers, I love reading their pieces.

Part C: You, The Student

My “Aha” moment in class wasn’t really anything that would help improve my writing, rather it was when I was read different types of novels that I normally wouldn’t read and my favorite moment was when Namitha came in and talked about Warsan Shire. The way Warsan wrote, her voice and style really got me hooked and even when I got home I looked up more of her writing pieces and watched a couple videos. It was something about how Namitha presented her to me and how Warsan just got me really into what she had to say. Going down the river, really got me into my zone and made me feel so calm and got my writing to really take off. Ms. Hunnisett really knows what she’s doing as a teacher and knows just how to help us prosper as students. As a reader, I have surprisingly accomplished a lot as if I wasn’t to take this class. I was able to read 6 great novels that I wouldn’t have had the chance to read if it weren’t for creative writing class. These 6 novels were from all different kinds of difficulties (candy, medium and hard) and all different types of genres. My favorite being the most recently read, Sarah’s Key. I loved how this book went from flipping between two different perspectives and intertwining by the end of the novel. It left you hanging at the each of every chapter.  My plan for reading next is to, finish the novel Night that I am currently reading right now, to read Catcher in the Rye because Nicole’s Writer’s Seminar got me really wondering what it was about, and to finish Jeaneette Walls, The Silver Star.
As a writer I was able to accomplish a lot more than I was capable of last semester. I accomplished being able to write all sorts of different types of writing, being spoken word poetry, non-fiction, blackout poetry, short stories, personal essays etc. My plan to write next is anything that my heart feels the need to put onto paper because I barely ever do that and to be able to write right from the soul would be really cool

Contagious

It starts in your gut, steadily rising and consuming your soul. You feel hopeless, like you’re screaming but no one can hear you.  You are searching for help but every corner you turn is a dead end. It reaches up to your brain filling up each and every corner, captivating your thoughts, controlling your movements and putting you in that never ending cycle of constant worry. Butterflies don’t seem like insects anymore, it is a permanent feeling right in the surface of your stomach. You live in a perpetual fear of being on a roller coaster that will make its big finale drop within seconds, every second. It makes you feel restless and weak, anything anyone will say to you might just make you have an emotional breakdown. The shadows of the night seem more somber, morning filled with anxiety and sorrow. Time passes as if you are in a slow motion movie, even your thoughts processed in slow motion. Expressing yourself is mission impossible, as you are at a loss of words and socially awkward. Smiling? Forget about that. All the muscles that help you smile are frozen, making you look like you have “Chronic Bi*** Face Disorder.” Even on sunny days, the world around you looks as if it is cloudy and grey. You are walking with a big, black raining cloud over you everywhere you go. Life is just at its all-time low and all your attempts to make the most out of everything are gone to waste.  You are drowning, suffocating, chocking in your own bottled up emotions and the only way out is to end it forever, in a casket.

But darling, one thing you need to know is, I come to everyone. When depression hits, it hits hard.

images (1)

Words of Wisdom ft. The Rocks

photo 4

“You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, someone not everyone knows how to love” – Warsan Shire.
photo 2

Be at peace, not in pieces” –Unknown

 

photo 3

Do good, and good will come to you” – Unknown.

photo 1 (1)

 

“Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat” – F, Scott Fitzgerald.

 

 

Soulful – Spoken Word Poetry

At school they teach you how to multiply 2×2
make you read Hamlet
and are needed to memorize the dates of events that are insignificant to you.

What they don’t teach you is
that not everyone has the same heart as you
how to pay your bills, get your first car and how to get back up on your knees after being blown down
or how to deal with a friend who never said goodbye but instead threw her life away over something she was never taught in school

At home I learnt the silence that crept over my family after my grandmas death
The irony behind the clashing of knives and forks while eating dinner just like the clashing of one another’s voices when all hells are let loose.
I learned that alcohol can cause as many problems as it solves but
letting it burn down your throat rather than your heart is what feels so damn good.

because life isn’t 2×2
and people aren’t how Shakespeare describes them to be.

It’s those sleepless nights you have stressing over broken friendships,
missing someone who hasn’t even thought about you
wishing things could be different
and it’s the next day when realize they can’t
which is when you learn to pick yourself back up after been down for so long.

Knowing 2×2 equals 4, or that the blank verses of Hamlet were written in iambic pentameter didn’t teach me that.
I taught myself that.

schoolvslife

1 2